FROM THE AUTHOR

"Good luck, Iwa-chan." "Yeah, good luck, Tooru." He replied. We both just stood there, not wanting to be the first to turn away. The wind was chilly and fierce that day, as if it knew my world would be in perpetual winter from that point on. We both knew that this was it. We were headed to different universities, different paths in life. We'd made the promise to stay in touch, but no one ever does and everyone knows it when they say the words. I hated myself so much in that instant for not having had the balls to tell him how I felt, how I've always felt.

Eventually, he kicked at a rock he was staring at on the ground, turned and walked away. I watched him disappear into the crowd of other graduates, head down. The wind whipped around me, chilling me to the bone, the warmth of his presence now gone. I'd think about this day for years to come and want to call him every time. I'd even pull out my phone, pull up his name, but I could just never make myself hit call. I was sure he was happy with some girl somewhere, maybe even married.

I'd had so many opportunities to tell him the truth, but my damn pride stopped me every single time. We'd been friends for as long as I could remember, but it was somewhere around our first year in high school that I'd fallen in love with him. I'd only realized how I felt after I'd finally realized I was gay. I resisted the thought so hard at first, thinking that I was just a horny kid and my hormones were searching for something to latch on to. I didn't want to feel that way for my best friend, but no matter what I did or how I tried to deny it to myself, the truth was the truth.

I remember the first time I saw him with those eyes. He was sleeping over, like he did all the time. I woke up in the middle of the night because I was thirsty and got up to go get a glass of water. I saw him sleeping on the futon next to my bed and tried to step over him so as not to wake him. It was warm and he'd kicked off the blanket. It was as if some god wanted me to notice how perfect he looked softly snoring in the moonlight coming through the window. All he was wearing was a pair of shorts, his hand laying lightly on his, even then, perfect abs.

My whole throat went dry and I felt my dick spring to life in my boxers. He was so indescribably beautiful and I wanted nothing more than to touch him and to feel him touch me. I just stood there for what I thought was forever, staring at him sleeping. I couldn't will myself to move an inch. The rhythmic sound of his breathing hypnotizing me like a Siren's song. I ached so hard just looking at him, and I couldn't correlate what I was feeling with what my brain knew of Iwa. He suddenly rolled over onto his side and I jumped and ran to the bathroom.

What the fuck was I thinking? How am I hard from just LOOKING at Iwa? I leaned against the bathroom door, trying to figure out if I was having some sort of lucid dream and this was all just make-believe. Maybe it was just because I just woke up? Yeah, maybe it had nothing at all to do with Iwa. Just male biology. I pushed off the wall, walking over to the sink. I turned on the faucet, taking a drink directly from the source and then splashing my face with the chilly water. I'd hoped it would calm me down some, but it didn't even phase the throb in my shorts.

I stood there, leaning over the sink, trying to think of anything else. Old ladies, sad puppies, losing a game, nothing was making it go away. Fuck it. It's what teenage boys do, right? Not like I hadn't done it before. It just never really worked for me. I gave in and pulled myself out of my boxers. I tried thinking of hot girls, hot girls on me, hot girls on girls, trying to avoid the visual of him laying there that kept popping into my head. I imagined his hand replacing mine and the sensation that came over me was like nothing I'd ever experienced. It didn't take long after that for me to finish with a fiery ending, the likes of which I'd only seen exaggerated in porn.

As I cleaned up, I felt utterly horrible for using Iwa that way, even though he knew nothing about it. He'd never speak to me again if he knew what I just thought about him doing. It had to be a fluke, right? He's my best friend. Nothing more than a fluke. I resigned myself to that thought and tiptoed back to bed. I tried not to look as I stepped over him to get into my bed, but I couldn't take my eyes away from him. Stupid moonlight. Making him look that way. I thought about closing the curtain, but it was too hot to cut off the breeze that way. I forced myself to turn away from him and shoved a pillow over my head so I couldn't see that stupid moonlight. I was sweating to death under it, but at least I couldn't see him anymore.

At some point I fell back asleep and life went on. I pushed everything I'd thought and felt that night as far away as I could, but it would needle at me every so often. I'd catch myself staring at his hands, especially if he was lifting his shirt or something. I started avoiding him when we changed for volleyball, either changing earlier or using a stall in the bathroom instead of the locker room. It would be fine, eventually right? I'd stop thinking about it eventually, right? I didn't want to feel like I had to avoid my best friend forever because I was some kind of overly horny idiot. I thought about just letting us drift apart, but the thought of him not being in my life hurt more in my heart than the thought of him finding out I was a pervert.

In the days and weeks after that, I "tested" myself over and over to see if it was just a one-time thing and I was thinking about needless things. Turned out girls really did nothing for me. Not even a twitch. I tried, I really tried to like them, but I might as well have been trying to get turned on by a coffee table. I searched up some guys on the internet and they definitely did things for me. I remember thinking that god was a cruel being to make me love playing volleyball while making me attracted to men as well. I didn't go to school for two days after realizing that I was, in fact, gay.

I couldn't face Iwa or any of my other teammates, thinking I'd be turned on by them at any time. I mean, what if I suddenly get a raging hard on in the middle of a game just because I'm staring at someone's butt? I mean, was I just going to get excited at any guy? I was terrified by the whole thing. I only went back because my sister threatened to kick my ass if I didn't. I remember trying to avoid any contact with my friends that day, worried that they could tell or something. Like overnight I had the word GAY tattooed on my forehead or something. Hanamaki found me eating lunch by myself outside and rather than poking fun, just sat next to me and ate as well. He didn't even ask why I was by myself, just sat and ate.

When we were finished, and were just sitting there in silence, he said something that has always stuck with me. "Whatever you're thinking, whatever you're feeling, it's not what anyone else is thinking, so don't take yourself away from their thoughts, ok?" I just looked at him, dumbfounded. I had no idea this kid thought deeper than what he was going to do in the next five minutes. With that, he got up and walked by me, punching me in the shoulder as he went. "C'mon, we're gonna be late to class." He said without turning back around. I hopped up and caught up with him. I realized as we walked, I had no attraction to him whatsoever. I felt nothing in my pants! I laughed a little and he turned to look at me with a confused look on his face. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I had no idea you were so deep." I said, covering for myself. "Shut up. I have thoughts too." He said, annoyed.

Things got a little better after that, but not when it came to Iwa. We were fine on the court, that is, until he would slap me on the back or something. Then I couldn't stop thinking about how badly I wanted him to touch me more. He had really big hands. I would get distracted in class staring at his hands. One day at practice he slapped me on the ass after a spectacular service ace in a scrimmage match and I almost went through the roof. Thankfully it was towards the end of the match and the rotation changed, so I was subbed out. After that, I sat on the bench with a towel across my lap, trying not to give any indication of the rod that was killing me between my legs.

Around that time, some girl confessed to Iwa and they started dating. I remember him going on and on about how hot she was and how he couldn't wait to kiss her. I tried to pretend I was happy for him and say all the things, but they felt completely hollow. My chest ached hearing him talk about her and I felt like I was crumbling into pieces as we walked home that day. I plastered on a smile so he wouldn't see that I was actually about to cry the more he talked. After he went into his house, I walked home not seeing anything of what was around me. I walked in, walked to my room, shut the door and didn't even come out for dinner.

I laid there all night, Iwa's words echoing in my head over and over. He wanted to kiss her. He couldn't wait to hold her hand. She was so hot. I hated her and I didn't even know her. I couldn't believe how something so stupid made my heart hurt so very much. I felt hollow, empty, like the glue that had been holding me together was being stripped away. I knew that I was attracted to him, but I hadn't realized until then that I loved him. I cried off and on all night until I was too exhausted to cry any more. After that, I did the only thing that made sense in the end and pushed everything I felt for him into a box in my mind and locked it away. It would take longer for my heart, but I just kept telling myself over and over that if I loved him, seeing him happy was enough for me, no matter who it was with.

This was the only way that didn't cause me to want to die just being near him. That I got to be in his life at all I tried to convince myself was enough. I tried to hide how happy I was when they broke up after only a few weeks. I took him out for barbecue even though he was the one who dumped her. That fact alone made me happier than it should have and I felt like a terrible person all over again. He didn't seem that upset about breaking up with her, but he wasn't one to turn down barbecue.

This became a pattern for him and I made sure to be there every time. Someone would confess to him, he'd start to date them, then it would fizzle after a week or two. Either she would get annoyed with him or he'd get tired of her and they'd break up. I actually asked him once if he was just doing this for the barbecue. "Maybe I am. Maybe I like having you buy me barbecue." He said with a mouthful of food. That jerk. "Next time you're paying for yourself!" I yelled at him across the grill. He just smiled, looking like a chipmunk with his mouth stuffed.

Towards the end of the season, a girl approached me and confessed. To me. I didn't have any experience in this, and I didn't want anyone to suspect anything, so I accepted it and we decided to start dating. Iwa seemed like he was jealous that I was the one getting the attention for once and he started acting like a total ass. He'd ignore me, get pissed off at me for stupid things, call me Shittykawa more than usual. Finally, one day, I'd had it. I had asked him to pass me a ball to practice my jump serve and he just dropped it at my feet before walking by me up to the net.

I glared daggers into the back of his head until an idea popped into my brain. Looking back, it could have been very dangerous, but he really pissed me off that day. I set up the serve, smashing it hard into the back of his skull, where I'd been glaring. He turned around with murder in his eyes. I smiled, "Oops. My bad." I said. His lip drew up into a sneer and I realized I'd never seen him that genuinely angry before. Coach yelled at me to pay more attention and we reset. He turned back around saying something about 'Ass-kawa' and I pushed down the urge to hit him again.

After practice, he grabbed his stuff and started walking home without me. No matter how mad we'd been at each other before, we'd always walked home together. It was engrained in us from middle school. Our moms told us to always stick together to be safe and we'd never NOT walked home that way. I grabbed my stuff and took off after him. I caught up with him about a block away from school. "Iwa." I yelled after him. "Hey, Iwa!" I yelled again, thinking he might not have heard me, but he just kept on walking. "IWA-CHAN!!" I yelled again. Didn't even look back. "IWAIZUMI HAJIME STOP!" I yelled again and some old lady stared at me. I bowed my apologies and ran to catch up again.

Now I was really, REALLY pissed. He was clearly ignoring me and I didn't know why. Just because I hit him with a serve? What the hell? I've hit him tons of times before and he's never ever been like this. What the fuck is his problem? The more I trailed after him, the angrier I got until I'd had enough of him ignoring me and I chucked my water bottle at him. It broke open, splattering him with what water was left. He finally stopped and turned around, furious, but so was I. "What the fuck is your problem? Just because I hit you with a serve you turn into a royal asshole? You fucking started it when you dropped that ball like you were too good to hand it to me." I screamed at him.

With that, he lunged at me, swinging. We'd had our share of fights in the past, all boys do, but there was an anger behind him this time that I'd never seen before nor did I understand at all. It pissed me off all the more and we rolled around on that sidewalk pummeling each other as the streetlights came on. I caught his jaw with a right hook and as he started to fall to the side, he came back with a jab that caught me in the mouth because of the angle he was falling at. We both stood there, panting like dogs, mean mugging each other. I ran my tongue over where I could feel my lip had split as he spit out a mouthful of blood. Must have bit his tongue. "What the fuck is your problem?" I asked him after a minute.

He looked at me like he wanted to say something, but in the end, he just shook his head, and picked up his bag. "Just stay away from me." He spat out over his shoulder as he walked off towards his house, leaving me standing alone in the street. I felt that empty feeling creep up into my chest again and my knees went weak. I dropped to a crouch, burying my face in my hands. I couldn't wrap my head around the thought that Iwa wouldn't be there any more, that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. There's no way he could have found out, right? I didn't tell ANYONE. Why? What did I do?

Why would he leave me behind?

My anger evaporated and I felt everything in me shattering. I couldn't even remember how to just walk home. I don't even know how long I sat there, in the deepening dark, sobbing like an idiot. Once I'd run myself dry, reduced to tearlessly catching my breath in little, broken gulps, I finally stood back up. I'd never been so happy to live on a quiet street in my life; no one was out to see me crying like a newborn. I brushed myself off, breath still catching in my throat, picked up my bag, and began trudging towards home again. As I walked by his house, I looked up at his window, just out of habit. His light was off. I saw his bike was gone too. Guess he went off to meet some girl. Damn, why couldn't he just tell me what I did wrong? Any other time he's the FIRST to point out what I fucked up, why won't he just fucking tell me?

I got so mad, I picked up a rock and threw it at his window. It wasn't big enough to break it and it didn't make me feel any better, but it felt right. I turned and continued walking home, unable to look anywhere but the tops of my sneakers. I had pushed so much down that when he told me to stay away from him, it was like someone ripped the top off a pressurized can and all the things I didn't want to feel came bursting out. They stabbed like a million little knives into my heart, my soul, my mind, screaming at me all the things I just watched walk away. In a matter of minutes, my best friend, the first person I loved, the whole reason I was who I was, disappeared. I felt empty again and didn't want to care anymore. I felt myself go numb and just let it happen.